Episode Zero

Welcome to the blog! Before I jump into the first full entry answering the very common and important question, "How the hell could this happen?," I'm going to take a few minutes to give you an idea of what this is all about. Try Easier, Not Harder: An Unapologetic Guide to Thriving for Neurodivergent Adults is for you if you've been feeling for a long time like your life is harder than it should be. It's for you if you've gotten through a lot, and maybe other people think you have it all, but you're exhausted, and see your achievements from the perspective of how much more or better you could have done, or how other people accomplished the same things faster, earlier, or easier.

Like so many neurodivergent adults, you might not remember a time when you weren't trying to fix, improve, or change some aspect of yourself. Believe me when I tell you that I have been there and I know that when being yourself and doing your best leads to exhaustion, frustration, or regret, your brain tells you that there's obviously something wrong with you. But I also know that your brain is wrong, and that's why I'm here.

As a clinical psychologist, I specialize in conducting psychological evaluations to confirm or rule out neurodevelopmental disorders in people whose diagnoses have been unclear or are suspected to be wrong. Waves of people have come to me for this clarification after years of struggling.

Nearly all of them had been told their problems were due to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues, but had never gotten real relief from recommended treatments.

If you've been there, you know how that experience, especially over a long time, only reinforces the belief that you're somehow fundamentally flawed. How else can it be that working with a great therapist didn't really help you? Why else would no medication work for you? What else explains the fact that you use all the coping skills you've been given, but feel like you're coping less, not more? The answer to those questions is NOT that you're a hopelessly damaged fuck-up who may as well just throw in the towel on ever having a better life.

The actual answer is this: Solutions only work if you have the problem they solve. Just like an ace bandage on your knee won't heal a cut on your hand, even the best treatment for anxiety, depression, or whatever else you've been told you have, won't change the experience of being neurodivergent in a neurotypical world.

When I say "neurodivergent" or "neurodivergence," I'm referring to significant variability in brain functioning that is present from birth and causes a person to experience, process, and respond to information ~ as well as sensory and social input ~ differently than the majority of people do. Of course, everyone's brain functions differently than anyone else's, but marked differences mean that the ways a person thinks, learns, communicates, feels, and behaves will go against what is expected, in some or many ways, because there's statistically atypical.

That being said, some types of differences are common enough that we have names for them, like ADHD and autism, as well as other categories for learning, communication, intellectual, and motor differences. In psychology and psychiatry, these are known as neurodevelopmental disorders, but there's an aspect of the diagnoses in that classification that's vitally important to understand.

When it comes to human development, neurocognitive processing, and brain functioning in general, variability is completely normal. And I'll take it a step further and tell you I believe that variability is essential because neurodivergent people have contributed many of the most significant advancements in thinking technology, and art.

Neurodevelopmental differences are considered "disorders" when they impair a person's ability to function in important areas of their life, and that's where the problem lies, because what impairs a person's functioning is very often not that they learn, communicate, feel, or behave differently than is expected, but that they do so in environments that don't allow for, or tolerate, differences.

I'll demonstrate what I mean with a hypothetical adult who has ADHD, loves to talk to people, would rather be standing and moving around than sitting still, and is far more productive jumping from task to task than completing one thing before starting another. This person's functioning was probably considered impaired when they were required to sit quietly in classrooms following teachers' instructions, and if they worked as a full-time stenographer in a court that hears only tax law cases, it would likely be considered impaired now.

But not if they worked morning shifts at a super busy Starbucks, or as a doctor or nurse at a high volume, Level 1 trauma center.

Now, consider this: Is this person functionally impaired, or does their functioning vary depending on the circumstances — you know, like absolutely everyone? And if this person is a highly valued and respected emergency physician who contributes meaningfully to their community and has a long-term partner who loves their energy and wouldn't change a thing about them, does that hypothetical person have a mental disorder?

They do not. But if that very same person were in different circumstances and relationships, technically, they might, and that's bullshit, because a disorder means something is wrong, and there's nothing wrong with a person who functions better under some circumstances than others. If that's your experience, there's nothing wrong with you.

But neurodivergent people are almost never told that so many of our struggles are caused by the rigid expectations and other limitations in our circumstances, especially in childhood, when we have little, if any, say in our circumstances, and are all expected to spend the majority of our time learning to do the same things the same ways, no matter how our brains work.

When a person doesn't function as expected in a universally accepted situation, it's understood, and usually stated, that the person is the problem, the person is what needs to change.

Now, imagine understanding and being told that about multiple situations, maybe every situation you're in, when you’re 2 or 3 years old.

Imagine the weight of that burden to change yourself when you have absolutely no ability to do so. Imagine the frustration with yourself as time goes by, situations change, and you are still the problem. Imagine the desperation to do things differently, to [00:08:30] be different than you are, so you can get the praise, inclusion, and affection you need. Many of us don't have to imagine it, because we remember it.

Most of the people I've evaluated, and those I later worked with as a neurodivergence coach, had experiences just like that, but didn't even realize it, because what really impacted them were the emotions and behaviors that resulted from those experiences.

For example, those who had long histories of being anxious often had no awareness of the connection between their experiences and their anxiety; they only knew that being anxious made their lives harder. Most of them eventually received professional help, and were diagnosed with, in this example, an anxiety disorder, without much or any exploration of what might underlie their anxiousness.

In fact, anxiety is a normal, healthy response to the experiences of most people who are neurodivergent and don't know it, or don't have an adequate understanding of it. Normal, healthy, anxious responses are not symptoms of an anxiety disorder, so anxiety disorder treatments don't really resolve them.

That's just one example of many experiences that are very common among neurodivergent people, but not widely known, even among professionals. Despite my years of education and training in psychology, I couldn't believe how many people with similar stories came to me defeated, not knowing why they couldn't get a handle on their difficulties, and feeling like failures.

In reality, they had been failed by the outdated, incomplete understanding of neurodivergence that still permeates the mental health and medical fields, educational systems, and society overall.

And that, again, is why I’m here.

Every week I'll share current, accurate information to help you see your neurodivergence for what it is: a difference to be understood, not a flaw to be concealed or corrected.

I'll expose and break down the forces that make life harder for neurodivergent people ~ not just the external systems, but the deeply ingrained messages we've absorbed about fitting in, following rules, and what we "should" care about, want, and do.

I'll tell you how to unlearn internalized ableism, reject one-size-fits-all expectations, advocate for yourself and other people whose brains work differently, and use neurodivergence-affirming strategies to make your life easier, happier, and more fulfilling without compromising or trying to change who you are.

Whether you follow along with podcast episodes, videos on my YouTube channel, or blog posts on my website, this is a space for you if you're a neurodivergent adult who's done burning yourself out to fit into systems and circumstances that weren't built for your success or wellness.

We've been taught to believe that we can solve all our problems if we just try harder, but I'll show you that the answer is almost always to try easier. Until next time, remember: You don't have to change yourself to deserve happiness or success, because being who you are isn't the problem; it's the solution. I'm rooting for you ~ exactly as you are.